Titanic 2 is a shining example of why you don't need to go to theaters and spend half of your paycheck to be entertained when there are such things in existence as microwavable popcorn and direct-to-DVD movie releases waiting to be rescued from a 99¢ bargain bin. The five stars that Netflix offers are simply not enough. Ten stars wouldn't even begin to cut it. I’m looking at you IMDB. No, in order to even begin to do it any semblance of justice, this modern masterpiece would require a titanic twenty possible stars for a rating of any one star to convey its true level of goodliness. Unless you've been living under a rock that is in a cave, you’re no doubt aware from the amount of media hype surrounding this film that it was directed by that incomparable master of suspenseful action thrillers, hold on... uh... Shane-Van-Dyke???
Yes this surefire blockbuster which also stars Shane Van Dyke is entitled Titanic 2 but don’t you dare call it a sequel damnit! While even the most unwary of moviegoers will notice the presence of number two gracing the cover, the title is merely taken from the name of the fictitious ship in the film which happens to have been christened “Titanic II” and therefore has nothing to do with, nor is in any way similar that other waste of time based on some boring actual historic event. You know the one that made a billion, trillion dollars and received all those stupid accolades by exploiting the tragedy of 1,517 deaths causing those poor victims of man’s avarice-driven arrogance in the face of nature to roll over in their collective watery grave while in no way paying respect to their horrific plight? Well roll back over dead people and get ready for the most sensitive and tasteful homage to human suffering sinceSchindler’s List 2: The Wrath of the Jew.
This riveting and highly imaginative period piece set in the year 2012, exactly one hundred years after the sinking of the original Titanic, had me on the edge of my sofa from beginning to end. I've not seen a film this wholly original since the sci-fi epic, Transmorphers: Fall of Man, also starring Shane Van Dyke or the chilling Paranormal Entity, also also starring Shane Van Dyke. In Titanic 2, Shane Van Dyke is at the top of his game, offering up a dramatic performance that can only be described as "something". With a style reminiscent of a young Jan Michael Vincent only better, Van Dyke has the rare ability to elevate the performances of the less talented actors around him to almost, but not quite, his level of mediocrity. Do I hear Oscar buzz? I do if I’m listening to Shane Van Dyke… and I am. But I’m certainly not going to be the one to tell him that the award ceremony occurred almost a week ago.
Five minutes into the film I voluntarily and without any coercion whatsoever by an armed or coked-up Shane Van Dyke, allowed myself to be tied up and then, while kicking and screaming with joy, had my eyelids clamped open, thereafter being delivered a steady stream of re-wetting drops so that I could thoroughly enjoy the feature while secure in the knowledge that I wouldn’t have to miss a single frame. The film was then promptly started over from the beginning and from that point on I was fully immersed into this nonstop thrill ride, not allowing myself to even go to the restroom but instead opting to pee right there on my sofa lest I ruin the experience by pausing the irresistible drama playing out before me. During the course of this overwhelmingly entertaining roller coaster ride, I experienced every conceivable emotion, such as disgust, fear, boredom, hate, fear, sadness, anger, laughter and fear.
If I have one criticism, (I must be the ever objective reviewer) it is that the screenplay could have been a tad stronger. The producers should have thought it through, come to their senses and gone with Shane Van Dyke to also handle the writing duties on this one. After all, he is the imaginative force who conceived Street Racer and The Day the Earth Stopped. Shane Van Dyke surely would have taken a screenplay that was only ninety minutes in length and, by way of his unrelenting talent, easily stretched it out to twice as long with a few additional story devices. Imagine, for instance, a young and plump girl named Rose living in the year 1912, who is able to see into the future and tells some people about how she’ll one day be a well-to-do elderly woman riding as a passenger on the maiden voyage of a ship that will for some reason be named after that famous Titanic ship that just sank and how it too will collide with a massive iceberg that will this time be hurled directly in its path by a tsunami but not before she meets an elderly vagabond stowaway named Jack who has a surprisingly upbeat attitude despite being dirt poor at the age of eighty-three and how he’ll convince her to abandon her life of privilege and rascal away with him to live under a bridge somewhere but instead dies saving her life and while she’s telling the story, the film will slip into her psychic vision of the future (basically present day to us) and all will unfold in dramatic fashion with a titillating scene where Jack draws pictures of Rose in the nude. You think I could have come up with a killer concept like that? No freaking way! That is pure Shane Van Dyke.
The dumbass producers, being corporate Hollywood fat cats lacking in artistic vision, failed to see how these subtle additions would have been the only possible way to improve upon what is already a fleshed out storyline rife with a twist as well as a turn. A spokesperson for juggernaut production company The Asylum stated that “…With the production being a day behind schedule, tens of dollars over budget and an impatient viewing audience that has for months ahead of time been violently clamoring over one another in miles long lines surrounding every WalMart across the country in anticipation of this at-home viewing event, we simply couldn’t see how throwing any extra time or money at the project would be a worthwhile endeavor.” then further elaborated… “Do you know where I can buy any pot?”
Despite these few obligingly constructive criticisms, I still cannot recommend this film... enough. Yes Shane Van Dyke has indeed done it again. He was a household name before but now even the homeless will surely know the name Shane Van Dyke.
After viewing Titanic 2, but before writing this review, I went directly to eBay and bought thirty-seven copies directly from Shane Van Dyke, apparently so that I'll have the "opportunity" to watch it thirty-seven times in a row. I won't allow myself to leave my house for fear that I might miss the FedEx guy. Yes it was that good. What, you don’t believe me just because everyone else who’s seen it panned it with the most scathing reviews imaginable? Well let me ask you this. Do you think James Cameron's films gross anything close to what Shane Van Dyke's films do? Think again pal. Since its release, Titanic 2 has raked in literally hundreds of dollars in domestic receipts alone. Cameron can "suck it".
By the way, don't miss Shane Van Dyke in the forthcoming... Super Shark. No it’s nothing at all like Jaws you silly naysayer. Why would anyone pay to develop a concept for a film that originally gained popularity some thirty-six years ago? That would be moronic. Speaking of… If you're like me and can't get enough Shane Van Dyke, and you undoubtedly are, (I mean who are we kidding right?) go to shanevandyke.net where you can see all things Shane Van Dyke. You won't regret the several seconds you’ll spend feverishly pouring through all of the site’s content the way you might regret something stupid like never having bothered to have that security alarm installed..
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